Saturday, June 26, 2010


like a bad actor

I'm having a hard time walking the lines between observer and participant.

I've gone on trips with friends lately also, having friends visiting me to skate. with all the different people I'm around, I have a constant stream of awareness as I watch my friends do their thing. like a third eye, i see out-of-body, observing their mannerisms, style, speech, ticks and tocks. Yet I end up forgetting that I am a friend, one of them, a participant to their shenanigans, having moments of fun and enjoyment, realizing the feelings of being with people you like. I would however, sometimes accept moments of freedom. Freedom from awareness and consciousness. but like a bad actor, these moments are sparse and never consistent/constant within the "hour and a half", like a play.
My trouble is...
I can't get a(my) grip on the line that tickles both my inhibited, thoughtful actions and my uninhibited, "natural" actions. I find myself nauseated (like Antoine Roquentin from Nausea; a book i should finish) and sustaining my consciousness, or HYPER-consciousness (which in turn leading to judgment). My friend Nikita has told me that Antoine Roquentin ends up learning that this overly strenuous thought, this HYPER-consciousness, destroys a human's natural joys of life.
With my interest in writing, I end up requiring awareness of the people around me. to take conscious notes of human actions and intentions. But with my interest in acting, I end up hating the fact that i am unable to participate with these interactions a majority of the time. And as a lover of life, I can't quite feel the joys of life if I am not a participant to these interactions.
(But boy, when the moments of freedom hit me, they sure are nuggets of gold.)

Having this HYPER-consciousness ends up holding back my "natural" actions. I end up containing these actions, feelings, in hopes for safety. I almost freeze, staying still, body tense ( which happens to me multiple times). But, we all know safety is boring.

I dont want to miss the possiblities in situations, in interactions and in sharing with others. 
Being too self-contained wont work.

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