WRITINGS

The Heartburn That Kept Me From Going



The next day I heard on the news that the plane had motor troubles. It crash landed inside the bermuda triangle. Not the resort, but the abysmal trap. The same area where Amelia Earhart lost her wallet and her soul. It's not reported if there were any survivors.

I never can doubt pain. Not after news like that. Heartburn will never be a nuisance again.
What had happened was I ate too many spicy peppers. I was sitting at lunch with my lovely mistress. She was taunting me for not being a man, for not telling my wife about her. I told her I'm more like a wildebeest and she thought I was more like a cockroach. I huffed out a lump of air and grabbed my balls, I said to her "Only a man can eat these peppers".
"Oh, please" she said "We both know you take prilosec."

I do, guys. I do have a bad case of acid reflux disease. But this was the only known heroism I could pull in a posh restaurant only celebs go to.

To retort, I mention to her, "Well, you're not as pretty as you think".
She tells me, "Listen here fatman, eat them peppers and I'll walk out of this restaurant".
She gave me a serious look and I gave her a smile.

I love her very much, so much. The plane I needed to catch didn't seem very necessary to board. My wife's calls went straight to voicemail. She was waiting for me. It was her plane to catch.

"Tell your wife about me." she said.
instead, I gobbled down the peppers and in 10 minutes I was in hell.
"Well, this is great. I'm leaving" she says.
Leave, leave I don't care." I said as I cringed with knives through my heart.
The plane I needed to catch still didn't seem very necessary to board.
They say, a person can't be in love if he's got a toothache. Well fuck that shit!
I'm left without the two important women in of my life.